**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
