the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Randomize
