Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
