TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
