So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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