Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
