Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
