he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
