Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
