so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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