I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
