just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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