Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
