Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
