she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
