remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
