Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
