Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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