My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
