i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
