My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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