Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
