Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
