So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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