i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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