Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My feet surprised me
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