it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
