He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
