after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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