remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
