I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
