Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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