he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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