Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
