I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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