yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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