Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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