The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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