I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
