A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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