I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
