that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
