Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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