I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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