This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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