Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
