We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
