I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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