A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
