Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
