90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
