I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
