I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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