no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
