So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
