Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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