My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
